Stephen King's IT (1990) - It is not a Clown, It is Fear

 One thing that will become a normal thing here in the never-ending catacombs, once it becomes a normal thing, is that we love Stephen King. We don't love all of Stephen King's books, nor all of his stories, but he has a fair run of greatness. IT is the cream of the crop as horror goes. Yes, the book has many flaws: It's way too long, there are many details we didn't need and the way the kids escape the sewers the first time... Yeah, there were problems with it. It did, however, bring you into a world of nothing but that world. The story of the kids, how they dealt with the clown when they saw him in his various forms, and how they dealt with their terrible parents (for the most part). RED BALLOON SPOILERS 

Today, we said goodbye to Pennywise himself. Tim Curry sadly passed away. The man was a treasure and a marvel of the cinema and he will be forever missed. It was sad how he had to spend his latter years, but he made his mark in entertainment. This movie is said to be his greatest performance. The way he brought the clown to life, how he laughed, how he put on an evil face, all of it just screamed into children's nightmares all across the globe. This man scared an entire generation from clowns. IT is still hated throughout the professional world of clowns, because it very much caused their uncanny qualities to become nightmare inducing. The fear of clowns is now very common.

What sets this movie apart from other classics, is that it is not even a movie. It's a two part miniseries made for cable television. This gave it some breathing room in terms of length and how much it could fit from book to screen. This worked in its favor, because it incorporated many scenes that translated very, very well. The actors are another plus in this film's favor, as Richard Thomas, John Ritter, Harry Anderson, Annette O'Toole, Dennis Christopher, the list goes on. They all do very well, even if a few scenes weren't so well pulled off, like some of O'Toole's crying scenes. 

The children, though, like Seth Green and Jonathon Brandis, really gave amazing performances as the leading kids. None of them really give anything terrible, especially when it comes to being scared. The way they react to the horrific images they come across really brings out the situations in a grim light. The clown takes on the forms of whatever they fear, and it can alter reality in very strange ways. 

IT is not actually a clown, as you can surmise, but it is an ancient entity that feeds on children's fear as well as their meat. The kids all saw the film I was a Teenage Werewolf, and so it took the form of a werewolf for Richie Tozier. Obviously, a lot of these scenes happen out of sequence with the book. It was a 3 hour movie, that's not going to cover 1148 pages hardback. The movie was a bit lower budget, so they had to stick with the clown for most of it. Although, there are some great scares with other means, like Beverly Marsh trying to visit her father, only to find out he's already dead and the realization of what's happening just comes in such sharp scares. 

The way Pennywise screws with all of them throughout the film really shows how menacing he can be. The way he scares them and tries to get them alone is diabolical, especially when they're confronting him in the sewers. Would I liked to have seen the house of Niebolt Street? Yes, but this film was limited on its locations, and the sewers they had were very, very atmospheric the deeper they went into them. That scene when he tries to take Stan, but Eddie intervenes was actually very well done. The makeup effects in this movie cannot be understated. Even the stop-motion effects pulled it off because the way he moved into the pipe was so unsettling. Sure, it was cheap, and I love it. 

It was made for television, so there couldn't be any real expensive blood or hard cursing. It was still terrifying. The effects when Georgie winks at Bill through the picture or how the balloon appears and moves around, all of it was gum and glue effects with very, VERY little in the ways of real special effects. Practical effects, when pulled off, can really heighten a movie. This movie can boast... most of the practical effects mastery. 

Among its many flaws, this property can never seem to EVER get the spider right. Even Stephen King is disappointed with how he wrote the spider in the book. That was one of the bigger poblems with it. After a while, you need to throw off the tarp and we need to see what it is. It's not always the case, but King did his best because he wanted to really give it that cerebral feel. The 1990 miniseries gave us a clunky, misshapen, stop-motion monstrocity. The original creation they had could not get the physics down, and it wouldn't function. They had to remake it and even the director, Tommy Lee Wallace, would admit that he really did not like how that turned out. 

If you listen to the audio commentary, like this nerd, you can hear a lot of very good stories from both the cast and the director. They apparently had a lot of fun in its creation, even if it was ridiculously hectic. The kids got into some trouble, and Tim Curry kind of did his own thing because he wasn't especially proud of his part in the film. Despite his apparent talent and greatness, he really didn't think he was doing very well with this film and he distanced himself from the rest. Later, even he admitted that he did not like the spider because it was "unconvincing and not very scary." 

Tim Curry's death gave me the excuse to gush about this old childhood favorite. Even when it is 3 hours long, I still watch it on numerous occasions. This is a miniseries that is going deep into the catacombs, with all of the greats. All of the greats shall be put in the catacombs, and so will the duds. The duds have another part, though, and that is not where IT will be going. IT Chapter 2 from 2019, however...

The Ring - Turn off the Tape!

 

It is hard to make a movie that nails two genres so well. Horror and mystery are no exception to this rule. So many have tried to blend together horrific images along with a beautifully crafted head-scratcher and have come out with their face in the dirt. The Grudge and several other ripoff movies just like The Ring came out around this time, but none of them were able to capture the magic. Several of them were slop that didn't deserve to be made. This movie had some advertising, but it wasn't something that really stormed the box office until people started having some word of mouth. This movie became a cult classic all its own and somehow, they were never able to recapture the lightning in the proverbial bottle. 

It is a curious case of the remake being better than the original.  The Ring just so happened to capture the atmosphere of the genre without straying too far from the story of Ringu. The characters and the plot are very captivating, but it also has the most unsettling vibe throughout the entire movie. It's always like something is wrong but you just can't put your finger on it. The clock is always ticking and even when the little girl with the hair is not seen, she is felt. The more the mystery unravels, the more interesting the story becomes. It's just plain fun to watch. 

From the very start, the atmosphere becomes tense. It is not even scary, aside from the first girl telling her friend that she watched a video tape. It was a video tape that was infamous for killing the one who watched it in seven days. At first, it's just a joke and they didn't believe it. Then the phone rings and things start to get a little serious when it starts to become a little too real. The scare that comes is so sudden and is a "blink and you miss it" sort of affair. It is jarring but a perfect prologue to the movie. 

The girl's death becomes the leaping point for the plot as a woman named Rachel Keller, played by Naomi Watts, starts to investigate everything having to do with it. At her wake, we learn a little more about the tape she watched. We mainly learn where she watched the tape and that's where the movie really takes a dark turn. Our main lady watches the VHS tape for herself and this is a main part where the remake truly overshadows the original. The tape is a nightmare realm of surrealistic bliss. The special effects seem flawlessly standard definition and even gives clues as to what happened to make it.

The dead horses on the beach, the combing of hair, the ladder and the well, each of these clues are seen throughout the film. The story behind the video is absolutely heartbreaking. The closer she gets to the truth, the more disturbing the subject material becomes. We learn this story through newspapers, a disgruntled father and interviews with the girl who never sleeps. The way we find out she never sleeps is just blood curdling. In a surveillance tape, all through the night, one fastforward button shows her sitting around and swaying for hours. Samara Morgan, played by Daveigh Chase, is like a blank slate... soulless and heartless.

Once we get to the final act of the film, we're always worried about our main lady. Not only has she watched the tape, but so has her ex-boyfriend, Noah, played by Martin Henderson and her son, Aidan, played by David Dorfman. The stakes become higher as the movie goes on and the time clock to her seven days grows shorter and shorter. As she uncovers clues about the murders and the video tape, we think she has done what she needs to to break the curse. Well, if you know what the ending of this film is like, you know it's far more complicated than that. 

This movie is not perfect, obviously. Some elements just flatout do not make sense. People say weird things to make the movie seem more and more cursed, but out of context, it's just awkward dialogue. The plot with the son gets a little annoying, though it does have a very good payoff. It's just a shame that Dorfman didn't really have any real emotions. His character is a strangely mature child who can tie his own tie and even babysit his babysitter. The strangest part is Samara's father, played by the great Brian Cox, just outright killing himself for no discernable reason. Like, if he was just going to kill himself, why did he bother living all the way up to the point where Rachel comes to visit him? 

As a horror suspense goes, this is one of the best. It is dark and unnerving without being outright depressing or overly stimulating to the brain. It makes you think and even gives you that beautiful horror vibe we all crave when getting into the psychological stuff. Naomi Watts is a ridiculously talented actress and she was absolutely perfect for the role. Some of the clues never get answered, but none of those are especially important. The nose bleed is weird, but why was it a thing? Either way, the mysterious nature surrounding Samara and the video tape is captivating and will have you begging for more. Then you find out that "more" means The Ring Two and all the sudden, oh we have other things to do. We need to go rewatch another movie and get as far away from reviewing that---no no! STOP! I'm not reviewing that stupid----

Hellraiser - The Peak of the Pinhead

 Clive Barker set out to show people he had a strange fetish and he wasn't afraid to use it in some stranger fiction. What followed was the Hellbound Heart. The novella became quite popular, but due to Barker's mistrust of Hollywood at the time, he decided he wanted to make the movie himself. So, he collected a budget and got a camera. What followed was a passion project that would never truly be replicated. Hellraiser 2 would come close, but this was quite the little gem that was released September 10, 1987. 

Hellraiser follows a family, a father and daughter, plus a very sour and bitter stepmother. Larry, played by Andrew Robinson of Pumpkin Head Blood Wing fame (chortle), is moving into a new house that his brother used to own but disappeared in under mysterious circumstances. As the movie progresses, you'll see why this is pretty normal, as he is seen in different countries looking for different exotic pleasures. This catches the attention of Larry's second wife, Julia played by Clare Higgins. 

Julia is a special case, in that he doesn't really care much about Larry, and seems far more interest in his brother, Frank, played by Sean Chapman. Julia is constantly brushing Larry off and showing that she has far stronger feelings for Frank, even going so far as to have a close encounter with him around the time she got married to his brother! Her depravity becomes very apparent when she finds out Frank was captured, tortured by cenobites and now his very bare remains have come back to life in the basement. Thanks to an injury Larry had involving blood, now Frank is back and he needs more blood. 

Julia not only gives him blood, but she hits on guys and brings him entire bodies! She even freshly kills them for him! All the while, Kristy, played by Ashley Laurence, is growing suspicious of Julia's odd behavior as of late. It doesn't take long for her to uncover that she's led many men to their deaths and made Frank into just one layer short of having full on skin. Finding out about all of this, she takes the strange box that he seems to want to protect and she runs! 

Kristy, having passed out in the street, opens the box and we get one of the best horror movie moments in history. Only Hellbound: Hellraiser 2 was able to match it, but even then, this one is better. The lead cenobite, also known as Pinhead, is played by Doug Bradley, who would go on to play the role in over ten films and he even did it for some commercials. After she agrees to bring them Frank, the movie takes a much darker turn when it's apparent they killed Larry to give Frank his skin. 

The deaths in this film are disgusting but also very fantastically done in practical effects. In fact, the make-up artists in this movie deserve every single award they ever won. Even the cheap computer effects are legendary because it's widely known that Clive Barker did them in his home with a friend over a single weekend. That's how much passion and love was put into this film. Even the final scene where the hobo turns into a gargoyle was cheesily but very well done. 

This movie captured the hearts of millions and it was a breakout success. Sadly, though, after the first two movies, this franchise takes a gigantic dip. Will I review all of them? Probably. Just remember, don't disrespect Clive Barker and tell him any other Hellraiser is better, or he'll tear your soul apart!

Freddy vs Jason - Whoever Wins, We're Dead

 

This movie had a very, very diluted history with the words "Production Hell" ringing out throughout the entire duration of its attempted creation. The problem was, at first, that New Lines Cinema and Paramount, the owners of Freddy and Jason respectively, could not come to an agreement on the script. Well, even when New Lines finally bought Jason from Paramount, this was still a problem. Even when they owned both of the toys, they wouldn't let the little kid make them do battle! 

It was messy, especially when New Nightmare (which will be reviewed in due course) and Jason X made this movie delay and delay and delay. Well, finally, after all of the posturing with Freddy's claws at the end of Jason Goes to Hell and then the super charged energy of the fans when it was finally announced, in 2003, we finally got our battle. 

Was it worth it? Yes. Was it perfect? No. It did, however, get the story right. We get Freddy himself, Robert Englund telling us how he was such a terrible scourge on the Earth until he was forgotten. So he employs and ressurects Jason, somehow turning into his mother and getting him ramped up as she tells him to kill the naughty children at Crystal Lake. How they actually got the two of them as a duo of sorts, one in the real world while Freddy gained power in the dream world through Jason's kills and people panicking, it was all very well crafted. 

What wasn't so well crafted was some of the execution. Some of it. Jason's first kill in the movie is just as aggressive and horrifying as it needed to be. Stabbing a guy through, all the way through his bed cushion, SEVERAL TIMES, and then lifting both sides of the mattress, breaking him in half! This was a monumental return to form for Jason. With the humorous entrance of the police officer, the scene ends gloriously. This, however, is when the movie kind of takes liberties with both Jason's random kills and Freddy taking advantage of even the slightest mention of his name. 

It doesn't get too far fetched, but the story takes shortcuts. Some of them needed, others not so much. The good news, though, is that we don't outright HATE all of the characters. Their acting isn't really terrible, but it isn't great either. Jason Ritter is probably the real standout when it comes to acting. The leading lady, Monica Keena, however, doesn't have the same charm. None of them really do, but it's not offputting, it's horror acting. If you're in it for the Shakespearian ensemble, you're in the wrong genre. 

Still, after some poised storytelling through choppy means of getting Jason into the dreamworld, we finally get our first bout. That's right, there are multiple times that the two collide, which is a massive point in the movie's favor. This is what we came here for and Ronny Yu understood that to a T. What he didn't understand is that Kane Hodder should have been Jason, not Jason's stunt man for that one other movie, Ken Kerzinger. He didn't do a bad looking Jason, but Kane was built up for this one movie and then Englund was out. That was one major flaw this movie just could not cover up. 

The fight, however, is awesome! The first one taking part in a dream meant that Freddy had full advantage, though, so it wasn't really what one would call this movie's real highlight. They still have fun with it and Freddy gets his chucks in, you know, before one of the children pulls him into the real world. And in a burning building at Camp Crystal Lake, the second and final bout takes place! This one is the real kicker because Freddy gets knocked around hardcore! 

Krueger does get his hits in, though, and not just with his claws. He uses air tanks as torpedoes that smash into Jason, he uses Jason's machete against him, but he's also coming apart as the seams as the fight goes on. The blood, the gore, and the killing of the teenagers in between fighting just makes this a very fun ride. The real problem here is when the teenagers interfere with the battle and Keena... she is not a good actress and that really hurts these scenes. She can't scream talk effectively and she comes off as annoying rather than properly dramatic. 

Credit where it's due, though, the fire blast of gasoline that blows both Freddy and Jason across the lake was fantastic! The final scenes of the fight are just no-holds-barred and both of them are in serious dire straights, as they've both taken some serious damage. The fight ends, spoiler to no one's surprise, in more of a draw than anything. You know you have a draw when you have fans of both properties at war with who actually won. That's the staple of Ronny Yu's success, both financially and doing right by the fans. If you're a fan of both these powerhouses, this movie is for you. It marries the two properties together with style and grace and we thank them for it. Bloody Good!

Hellraiser (2022) - New Pins in the Head

Well, here we are, in an age where every single franchise is up for grabs and all of the popular intellectual properties are being used for identity politics and virtue signaling. So many famous brands are being used for people's political agendas and all we can do is not watch them. So, while we're waiting for them to come to their senses, we have an unexpected diamond in the rough. Little did we know that Clive Barker's master work has been given a new coat of paint after ten movies. 

Hellraiser has been one of those movie franchises that has a particular crowd watching it. These are the horror fanatics that don't mind a bit of gore, so long as the gore is being used to tell a good story. The Hellbound Heart was a very good story, a novella, if you will. It showed a different world that we grew attached to and we have been seriously lacking these past thirty years. 

After so many half assed sequels and cheap scripts being forced into Hellraiser lore when they didn't belong, we finally get a reboot that is actually warranted! Yes, an IP that could actually use some revamping. While Spawn is still in the mix, let's enjoy some blood, shall we?

First of all, we get what we came for. True to the Hellraiser brand, there is plenty of blood and gore. Now, how does it hold up alongside other Hellraiser gore? Pretty damn well, I'm going to admit. The flesh tearing and the pain is quote the spectacle and very well crafted in its kills. There's chains, wires, knify things and lot's of tendons. There are some very uncomfortable moments with needles and air passages and wow, they really put their minds to this, like they should have. 

Next, the cenobites! Yes, they have a colorful array of cenobites and they come out in full force. The only two that we see return are the lead cenobite which Doug Bradley played so long ago, and Chatterteeth. Now played by Jamie Clayton, the often nicknamed "Pinhead" makes a triumphant return. Chatterteeth, on the other hand, did not make such an impression, but it was nice seeing him again. Beyond those two, we get some pretty imaginative imagery through all of the others. It's really nice to see what they were able to do with both practical and digital effects. They look very well made and unique. Some of them I kind of wish we got a better look at but they did very well otherwise. 

The story is an area where a lot of the Hellraiser sequels were lacking, and this movie does away with all pretenses. In fact, it changes it up just enough to keep us interested, while also keeping in enough lore to warrant fan nostalgia. This time, they pander to the audience in a good way and a way that doesn't insult their intelligence. What a twist! Instead of the normal "they open the box and get put in Jacob's ladder" trope we saw through so many iterations, this time, it's more complicated. 

Now the Lament configuration stabs the user in the hand and that marks them as a sacrifice. After six go down, the the Leviathan configuration brings the Cenobite's god from hell to grant you one wish. It's a twist on the story that actually works quite well. Not only do we get to see the cenobites quite often, but it brings up the body count while working toward a goal. It actually plays very well as a Hellraiser story. 

After so many Jacob's Ladder plots and movies shoehorning Doug Bradley into nonsensical plots, this one is a serious breath of fresh air. This is one that actually plays with the lore and brings us something we can sink our teeth into. Rather than dumping a puzzle box into whatever they wanted and calling it a day, we get a movie with actual characters with goals and understandable struggles. Those struggles just so happen to involve chains with hooks and spikes and that's what we wanted!

The characters are probably the part where this falls a little short, but there's nothing new there. Riley is understandable as a character, but she's not especially endearing as she mostly just wants to get her brother back. That's about it. Beyond that, she does want to do the right thing but is so bad at it that it becomes a little comical. We get the other array of characters and they are there, but there's not much else to them other than they want money, they want love and they want pleasure but they only get pain. Pretty normal as Hellraiser goes, and you know what? I'm okay with that. They fill the need and fulfill their purpose for bringing us entertainment, so let's trudge on.

To address the elephant in the room, yes, they get a woman to play the Hell Priest and no, that is not a problem. In fact, it is by the original book. One of the cenobites was described as having female features along with male features and thus being seen as sexless. This is the first time we see the reimagining of this character to resemble their novella counterpart. Well played. It works very well and Jamie Clayton does a damn good job of having otherworldly movements and expressions as she causes blood and chains to happen. She has a few callback lines, but not nearly as many as she could have. They didn't only have the nostalgia baiting to entice you, they have dialogue you can enjoy and get behind. 

That's one thing that really shined for this movie. The fact that it did not rely on its former titles for its imagery, dialogue, characters or anything like that. It took what it needed from the other titles and then went off on its own. It is its own movie and it has its own identity. This is something that is severely lacking in movies of this era. I need to give this movie props. 

Is it perfect? No, it has its down points in the plot and the parts with the "friends" just screaming and complaining at each other does get old. It has its meandering moments that you just want to get over with so you can get to the killing. Spoiler alert, it gets to the killing and everything is fine. 

We finally have a Hellraiser iteration to call a part of our horror genre. The body horror is very real with very unique cenobites and the visual effects are a beautiful mix of CGI and practical effects. You don't care what happens to the humans because they're annoyances as well as characters, but that's to be expected when the end goal is to get our Hellraiser fix. The changes that are made are welcome and it doesn't spoon feed you membaberries as a lazy attempt to squeeze feelings out of you. If you are a Hellraiser fan or a horror fan wanting to get into Hellraiser, here you go. Get this movie and turn down the lights.

Weapons (2025) - Pass the Blame and the Blood

 

Just when you thought all horror was lost and we'd never see the night of darkness again, there comes this little low budget gem. Weapons is a bit of a strange tale about a smallish town that has a very mysterious happening. All of the children ran out of their houses one morning night at 2:17 am, leaving everyone in the town to wonder why. Obviously, the parents all panic, thinking that they have just lost their children for good. Police are baffled and the pressure is on to find answers. 

Starting with the struggles of Julia Garner's Justine character, as the teacher of all 17 missing children, is suspected to be behind this horrible happening. You see how she copes with the situation, which is by the skin of the tooth, and how she is trying very hard to investigate the disappearance while also dodging her boss, played by Benedict Wong, and the police to do so. 

What this movie pulls off from the very start is the angst and the dark, mysterious atmosphere as the parents suffer, namely Josh Brolin's character, Archer, who lost his son, Matthew. You see his struggles and how he does not handle it well at all in some cases, but then as the mystery unfolds, you see his wits start to come into play and you see he is far more resourceful than he looked. As an architect, he is able to measure distance, radius and he is able to decipher the direction the children were running from the camera footage capturing it.  

Even the crackhead character is played very well by Austin Abrams, and I hope to have a good review of his upcoming Resident Evil movie (but I hold out no hope). You see the lies he tells to score a hit and then you see that he is also just trying to do the right thing while also scoring a lot of drugs in the process. He has some very strange exploits with Justine's ex, the roughed up cop played by Alden Ehrenreich, who is showing acting chops far beyond his debut as Han Solo in that disaster Solo Movie. The two of them seriously rough each other up, especially when the crackhead's needles seem to find a way to connect to the questionably moraled police officer. 

The biggest shoutout needs to go to the actress who played Gladys, who was absolutely unrecognizable because she threw herself into this role like none other. She does not look like a natural being. She looks like if the red woman from Fire Walk With Me tried to dress as Pennywise. She does not look like a human being, she looks like something trying to look like a human being. Amy Madigan pulled off an absolutely unsettling performance and she is easily the most recognizable character in the entire movie.

The sequences of horror are what really bring this movie to the green spotlight. It is so refreshing to see a proper build up with a proper payoff that you probably did not see coming. It was obvious from the start that this was going to be supernatural, but how it pulled it off was very surprising. The villain of this film is very apparent, but her methods are shocking and she lacks any sort of moral compass throughout the entire runtime. The killings are brutal, gruesome and they are very loud. The more this plot unfolds, the more horrible the implecations. There are lines that this movie thankfully does not show, but they are unfortunately quite impending. 

The final nail that drives this movie home is the theme that it sprinkles throughout the entire movie. The title "weapons" had some strange depictions, but then the undertones of weaponizing our guilt and grief through terrible situations is very apparent. How the parent and the teacher both set upon the task of finding and saving those children is both endearing while also remaining deeply troubling. The lengths they go to in order to find those children can go borderline to downright insane. How she stalks the final child who did not disappear is the same exact notion. It's understandable why she did it, but how it troubles the child is also palpable! 

This movie takes the mystery elements of a horror and slams them in your face in the most glorious way. The portrayals are amazing by a very solid cast, the directing is obviously high in creativity and concept while keeping you very engaged. Zach Cregger will also be directing the aforementioned Resident Evil film, and if this movie is any indication, it could be the first actual awesome movie in the entire franchise. No, the first film did not age well and no, W.S. Anderson is not a good director. Knife Fight Me!

Twin Peaks: The Return - Reviewed by an Old Fan

WARNING! SPOILERS!: Do not read this until you've watched the entire series of Twin Peaks! That includes the movie!

Fans of Twin Peaks got a nice long drink of water in 2017 in the form of Twin Peaks Season 3, AKA "The Return". This is after a very long 25 years of nothing. Sadly, the first run of Twin Peaks was cut short when the studio forced David Lynch into revealing Laura Palmer's killer. Lynch was of a mind that revealing the killer would break the spell and render the show powerless. He said that it was because of the Laura Palmer mystery that the show was so popular. The studio was not convinced because the public was DYING to know who the killer was.

Lo and behold, David Lynch was proven absolutely right and the show jumped the shark soon after the killer's reveal in the second season.

What follows is the 2/3rds of a season that lacked David Lynch, as he left the show. He had no idea how they were going to go from there and he was rightfully miffed that they singlehandedly ruined his show. After his departure, the writing became abysmal. Dialogue was stilted, scenes lacked any relevance and sideplots came and went like an obnoxious door to door salesman.

Thankfully, for the final episode of season 2, David Lynch came back and helped them make the arguably greatest episode of the original run. Beyond Life and Death was very well recieved and still represents some of David Lynch's best work.

Although it was cancelled, Lynch was able to make the movie, Fire Walk With Me, the very next year. While fairly well received, it lacked the answers and details that fans of the show were expecting. Not only was it a prequel but it also very scarcely featured Dale Cooper, a fan favorite character. 

Fire Walk With Me was the last bit of Twin Peaks that fans received for 25 years, when Season 3 was announced. David Lynch brought the show back with co-creator Mark Frost in the form of "The Return". 

I am not going to tell you that this was a perfect return to form, nor will I sit here and tell you that this is a worthless late sequel crash-grab. While this series had the potential to be either, it is truly of its own entity. The Return was rather divisive among fans, but with David Lynch on the project, it was bound to have his stamp of approval at the very least. Though, how good was it? It certainly isn't the epic conclusion we all hoped it would be, but it certainly was a ton better than Cooper bashing his head into a mirror while laughing at his BOB reflection. 

To get sentimental for a moment, my father got me into Twin Peaks after its initial run a year later. He loved this show and considered it his favorite of all time. After this, he became a David Lynch fanatic. I did not get to watch The Return with him but before he died, we had watched Twin Peaks multiple times together using his VHS tapes he recorded from a Bravo marathon, including the movie he bought on tape. We celebrated the show and I am so happy he got to watch the third season for himself to get some closure. I write these Twin Peak articles for him. 

Now, I am here to tell you what I liked and what I did not like about this new series. I hope to hear from you on what you liked and did not like and why my opinion is wrong. I love this series and there are somethings I am totally on board with and there are somethings that I find myself scratching my head and asking Mr. Lynch, "Ummm, why?"

What I liked!

Bobby discovering the case reviving the Laura Palmer case

Bobby Briggs, the man who literally killed a random dude who brought him a bag full of cocaine, is now a police officer. In the first season, he was interviewed as a suspect, but Agent Cooper very quickly wrote him off as innocent of the murder. In the Return, we see he joins a meeting in the conference room and is met with Laura Palmer's photo front and center. The emotional reaction he gives is worth of an award, because the weight of his tears can be felt as clear as a bell. All of the turmoil and the pain he went through during that time with his former girlfriend's murder is brought back for just a moment in this very gripping scene.

Andy and Lucy are still together

With so much divorce and turmoil going on between shows and seasons, it's really good to see that two seasons of tension between two characters actually paid off. With all of the love triangle sideplots and "Who's the father" decision making, we not only get to see the two lovebirds are still together and married, but we get to meet the child! He's 25 now and played by Michael Cera! This is one of those scenes that takes entirely too long, but it does give us a decent bit of closure on another part of their lives. 

The Surrealistic Beauty

After all of these years, Lynch has truly retained his title as the Master of Dreams in filmmaking. While his movie projects are rather far in-between, he knows how to put together a great story, a great set of characters and he knows how to fool our minds and mesmerize us as an audience. The man truly never lost it and it's probably safe to say that he never will.

From Dale Cooper's escape from the Black Lodge to the strange shadow figures that stalk our characters from the darkness. These elements can range from subtle to absolute in-your-face intimacy, but either way, they are highlights of the entire series. We get to see so many more locations and new mythical characters, as well as the return of some.

Hawk

The Native American deputy of the original run is now a Deputy Chief and he is front and center in the scenes dealing with Twin Peak's police force. While it is no bueno that we did not get a return of Harry S Truman, we at least get a good bunch of scenes with Hawk. He is just as resourceful and sly as ever in these scenes. Not to mention, he's still a little strange in his reasoning from time to time. Still, he proves to be a great asset in the story and he is very entertaining to watch. It's great that this new season was able to do him some true justice and get him some proper screentime. 

It's About Laura Palmer

It is clear that, once Laura's killer was found, the show lost its original identity to the point where, other than the end credits, we forget what it was about in the first place. Laura Palmer becomes a rather faceless entity. Throughout the second season, we forget she even existed in a haze of ill-gotten character studies and single serving detours in stories we no longer care about. It's more or less just trying to write like David Lynch but with a severe handicap in the fact that he left the show! The writers tried their best but Lynch was absolutely correct in his assessment that the show was nothing without the murder plot.

Without giving too much away, not only does The Return bring back Laura Palmer's storyline but it also does a bit of soul searching along the way. It was clear that David Lynch was crestfallen because of the series getting a black eye so early in its second season, so he wanted to make up for it in this one. Did he make up for it? I think so, but it is also an arguable point that has been raging on since its initial run in 2017. Again, I will not give away what this is all about, but know that Laura Palmer's story is revived and it's up to you to decide if it is worthy of being the true ending to Twin Peaks. 

Closure

In the realm of Lynch, "closure" is a bit of a naughty word. David Lynch is of a mind that closure makes you forget about the story because what you know of it has ended and that's all you need to spend on it. He makes his projects much more cerebral and makes you want to keep thinking about the mystery long after you view it. 

However, after 25 years of a cliffhanger, it is very good to know that Lynch had our backs the entire time. He was not going to make a new series if he was going the Hollywood route of putting old characters to new, tired storylines that go nowhere. David Lynch is far better than these hacks just looking to push messages and make a buck along the way. He almost didn't do it. In fact, he dropped out of the Return part way through its production, but then returned after Mark Frost advocated for him. It's so good at he did because as imperfect as this revival was, it could have been infinitely worse.

What I didn't like!

Scenes that last FOREVER!

Call it Lynch's M.O. if you must, but even he has been guilty of over using this little motif of his. There are scenes that drag on and on to the point of watching establishing shots for four to five minutes. Some of them are simply to re-introduce original cast members and some of them are to introduce new cast members that have a stake in the original seasons, and some of them are just... there! Sometimes, they are put to good effect, and sometimes they are just there to... set up intrigue and atmosphere? Either way, when you put it in a season that is eighteen episodes long, these long scenes can add up to some serious mileage. I know this is Lynch's sudden relief after a long winter of small projects, but there are some very poorly made decisions going on here. 

Song Numbers at the Ends of Episodes

This was a bit jarring. There are certain episodes in this season that end at the Bang Bang Bar with performers playing music until the ending credits. This can start as early as five minutes before the end credits and it is just a sour note to go off of when we are in suspense as to what is going to happen next. The songs aren't bad and the musicians are clearly talented, but this only drags it further away from its original seasons. However, there is a performance from Nine Inch Nails, which forgives this whole thing entirely. My mistake, sorry Mr. and Mrs. Reznor. 

Brain Dead Cooper

This was cute for the first five minutes, but when Dale Cooper escapes the Black Lodge, he was either affected by the 25 years of being in the Red Room or the escape addled his brain. This basically makes him act like a highly incompetent mental patient. He is unable to fully grasp verbal communication, needs help doing daily tasks and needs physical prompting in order to move anywhere. The gag was funny at first, but before the episode ends, watching him go through a casino really got a little old. I was hoping that this would be rectified within a couple of episodes but it goes on for several episodes! This really got old after a while. It really felt like David Lynch was dragging his feet on this one. It's good that we get some closure on Cooper escaping the Black Lodge, but this made it a tiny bit sour in the process.

 The Black Lodge

The greatest thing about the Red Room from the original series is that it was always shrouded in mystery. The original series knew to keep this place in the shadows and only dealt with it in its own time. This gave it an air of surrealism that is unparalleled by any other show or even Lynch himself. So many fans fell in love with the show because of the little dancing man, Laura Palmer's screaming doppelganger and all of the backward/forward talking that gave it the dreamlike qualities we love. 

The Return didn't seem to give The Black Lodge its original majesty. In fact, there are so many key elements missing from the lodge, that it's almost completely unrecognizable. It has the floor patterns and the curtains along with the statues. However, we see it at different angles now and the high definition camera shots sterilize the entire experience. It doesn't have that old fashioned feel we loved from the first one. It was clear that Lynch tried to add the effect in a different manner, but to me, it just falls flat. My next point explains:

There are two elements missing that made the original Black Lodge so recognizable. First off, Michael J Anderson and David Lynch clearly had a falling out somewhere along the way. The actor did not reprise his role and his absence is truly felt in The Return. He was a key element in the Waiting Room that defined the premise to its very core. Instead, he is replaced by a tree with a strange looking skull fruit on top of it.

Second off, the cryptic dialogue is severely lacking. This version of the Black Lodge explains entirely too much. A lot of the lines don't even sound like they were spoken backward during shooting. The tree just has a strange whispering voice while the One Armed Man, Mike, just walks around looking lost and saying things to Cooper. 

The whole Black Lodge is not only seen entirely too much, but there is far too much exposition about it. As scarce as the information may seem, it still seems like entirely too much for something so iconically vague. Even Fire Walk With Me got this concept far better. 

Dr. Lawence Jacoby's Political Blogs

There's an obvious reason why Jacoby's character was brought back and I am here to tell you that this could have been done better. Jacoby's part in the original run was middling at best to begin with. He was a pivital part in shining a light on Laura Palmer's secret life. Beyond that, there wasn't much to him. He had a heart attack and helped them find Jacque's killer for a scene or two but then he pretty much disappeared from the show as the writer's obviously didn't have much to do with him in Lynch's absence. 

Now, he's a reclusive, obsessive patriot type who makes podcasts much akin to terrorist manifestos. We see him making shovels that play a role in the Return, but are subjected to mindless drivel in the process as he speaks to his fans (which includes Nadine Hurley). Did we really need to sit there and watch him spray paint his shovels gold? I'll let you decide, but you can probably imagine my thoughts on the matter.

Lack of Original Soundtrack

One of the most iconic things about the original Twin Peaks run is the soundtrack Angelo Badalamenti mostly composed. It is smooth, haunting, sometimes very jazzy in its demeanor. It is also one of the most enjoyable things to listen to, as it brings up every memory of the original series ever. Sadly, the only thing that The Return is consistant with from the original soundtrack was the beginning theme music. Beyond that, we get bits and pieces of the music throughout. 

Part of me is okay with this, because the Return, as stated earlier, lacks the atmospheric elements through colorization and scene setting. The tone is different now as the scenes are better lit and they have more of an urban feel, instead of the small woodland town we know and love. Still, it would have been nice to have something of an extension of that music. I'm not saying the music had to be exactly the same but it would have been nice if more of an effort was made. Now, when the original music plays in the third season, it feels a little out of place. 

BOB

Yeah, no one I've talked to liked this aspect either. It's almost like it didn't happen, eh?

The Ending

Yeah, we all saw this coming. Obviously, I'm not a huge fan of the sideplots going nowhere and some of the use of old characters, but David Lynch already knew that. It's pretty obvious that this is not the series he wanted to make in the first place. If the studio and people would have just listened to him in the first place, we wouldn't have been in this situation. The Return was not meant to continue Twin Peaks, it was meant to end it. The end of this series pretty much tells you that the TV Show was ruined from season 2 and there is no going back from that. I would have liked to have seen a lot more of Laura Palmer's actress, Sheryl Lee but with how this series presents itself, there really wasn't any way around this. 

We cannot save this show, especially with just another season. The show was never going to be saved and that's just something we need to accept. Lynch built us an entertaining show and gave us a few answers we've been looking for. Although, probably not in the way we wanted, it's at least something. We were never going to fully like this and we were never going to find full closure because that's just not the name of the game. All we can do is find our own happiness and make our own stories to enjoy for ourselves. Twin Peaks is over and there's no way to change that. David Lynch knew this going in and he decided to show us this fact for ourselves. There is one good thing that comes out of this, though. At least now, we can move on.